The loss of a loved one:

The end of your suffering and pain…

Today our family lost a mother, grandmother, great grandmother and all around amazing woman.  Today heaven has gained another amazing angel.  Today I am filled with regret that my children and I were not able to have more of a relationship with you.  Through nothing but stupidity and inconvenient schedules my children have only ever met their great grandmother twice for short periods of time.  You were only a mere 90 minutes away, why could we not find the time to come visit? How did we let this opportunity slip away?  Why did I not insist that Donald come and visit you with or without me and the kids?  I know that your passing means you are no longer in pain but I cannot help but hurt for your family, I am grateful god gave you some final time with them before calling you home.   I am hopeful that god will watch over all of your family and friends as they make the journey to say their goodbyes and that god will help them to heal from the wounds your death has caused.  I hope that you are free of pain and that you are at peace, your smiling face looking down on us all from the pearly gates.  I hope you know just how much you were loved even if scheduling wouldn’t accommodate for family members to visit.  Fly high and rest in peace. 

Virginia Brown

July 19, 1931- January 23, 2017

Year in Review...

This year has been a very tough year emotionally, a lot has changed, some more positive then others.   Hailey had a lot of health issues last year and was still recovering from her gallbladder removal.  She had some issues at her dads house and it was decided she would stay with me for awhile.  A few weeks later my ex decided that maybe I should keep her full time and our son, Josh would live with him full time and he would come visit off and on.  I was hesitant as I hated going a week at a time without him let alone not knowing when I would see him but it was his choice and I didn't want him to resent me.  This was in April, since then I have seen him about 7 times.  I have been put on depression medicine because I feel like I have failed as a mother... Why? Why would he not want to be with us? What did I do wrong?  Even now 8 months later I do not understand it.  I cry often and think of him daily.  

Another big change came in May when we got my step daughter full time.  It has been an adjustment but now everything flows and we miss her when she goes to visit.  I have always loved having her around and love her like she is my own but there has been a financial burden on our family since the courts won't drop my husbands child support even though we have custody (that a whole other topic in its own!).  So her mother gets 85 weekly plus food stamps for her but sends us nothing.  We supply everything for her so he is paying twice for everything she needs or wants and half the time (not that we can prove it) I'm sure the money isn't even spent on her.  The money situation has caused a lot of stress and arguments but hopefully things will change soon.  

We also added a new member to our family, miss Hailey got a puppy.  A black lab named Lilac, born March 23, 2016.  She was very lovable as a young puppy now that she is older she is a terror.  She chews on everything!  We are all at our wits end with this habit and looking for new techniques to try!    

We had a great summer with lots of fun activities (camping, Kayaking, swimming, fishing) and was upset when it came to an end.  The end of summer meant school time, my baby boy started Kindergarten.  As you can guess I was an emotional wreck.  I was dying being a home all alone bored and depressed and so the hunt began.  I wanted a job! A flexible job that would still allow me to be the primary care giver of the kids.  I was VERY lucky to land a substitute support job in the school district that my kids attend.  I am able to turn down work if I need to and I can work as little or as much as I want to.  It has been amazing.  I am able to help bring some money into the house hold to help out, I am able to get out of my house and I sometimes get to see my kids or kids I know.  I really enjoy working again after 5 years it is a much needed change lol.  

So I guess we can say that 2016 ended in a very positive way but I still miss my bubby boy, I don't think that pain will ever go away.      

Things I could do to improve myself.

I have always had an issue with my self esteem so obviously I want to improve a lot in this area...  I have always felt that I was over- weight (even when I was younger and not technically over-weight) and that I was not as pretty as other girls.  While my husband tells me daily that I am beautiful I do not feel that I am.  I have gained a lot of weight over the years and wish to loose it.  I don't wish to be skinny but I do want to be healthier.  I want to be able to run and play with my kids without getting winded.  I would love to run in a charity obstacle race like the dirty girl run or the warrior run.  I really hope some day that I am able to.  I want to eat healthy and set a good healthy example for my children. 

I want to be able to improve my mental health.  In 2004 I was diagnosed with bipolar and was placed on medicine to control my mood swings for about 2 years.  When I left my ex-husband I was able to control things (my emotions, reactions, etc) better and wanted to try to live life without the medicine (which made me like a zombie).  I can proudly say even with my ex-husbands ridiculous behavior with/towards myself and our children I have been able to live without medicine since early 2007.  While I do have some manic issues occasionally I have done very well.  I want to learn some more techniques in how to control these few manic outburst that remain.  

I have always been a caring and giving person but I always feel like there is more that I could do.  I do not have money to donate but I do have time and skills I could give.  I plan to improve this and I want to include my entire family.  I want to take my kids to volunteer at a soup kitchen or to help in some sort of charity event.  My older children Hailey and Josh have been involved with the make a wish foundation with Dickey school but it is part of a competition (the person who donates the most gets to be conductor of their polar express), I want them to know what it feels like to donate without getting anything but the amazing feeling of helping someone in return.  I want to make the world a better place for the future generation!  

There are many things I would like to change about myself I just have to find the will power and get off my but to do it.  I want to start dieting and exercising soon.  I NEED to get healthy, please wish me luck!   

A letter to those I love:

To my loved ones:

Hailey, Joshua, Dj and Kacelynn,

I want you to know how much I love each and every one of you!  I am so proud of the people you are evolving into each and everyday.   I want you to know that I will always be on your side no matter what.  I will always fight for you and what is best for you.  I want you all to follow your dreams and reach for the stars.  No dream is too big.  There is no such thing as failure as long as you do your best and work hard.  Life is what you make it.  

Love, <3
Mommy
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Donald,

Thank you so much for being such an amazing husband and father.  You have been there for my kids and loved them like they were your own from the start and I am grateful to have found a man like you.  You work very hard to ensure that we always have everything we need and want without complaining or questioning what it is for. We often forget to show you just how much we appreciate you and love you.  Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to attend school and better myself and for letting me stay at home with Dj while he is young.  I hope someday to have a good job and be able to "spoil" you a little bit.  I can't wait to grow old with you and to experience all the things we have talked about doing.           

I LOVE YOU!
Elaine
_________________________________________________________________

Mom and Dad,

Thank you for always being there for me and family.  I know we don't say it often enough but I love you and I am very thankful for everything you do!  I hope that I have made you proud.  

Much love,
Elaine

Letter to my younger self

Elaine,

     My dear younger self I am writing you to try to help you to better understand what will happen in your life.  While you are in the 6th grade you will lose one of the greatest women in your life, Gram Bev.  You will grieve for a very long time but know that she is no longer in pain.  Do as she would want and keep up your grades, your teacher will be very understanding and helpful & you will attempt to take advantage of the situation making yourself feel horrible.   

     At 16 you will get pregnant but don't be hasty to change all that, your daughter is amazing and is such a great addition to you.  She makes you better. Josh will leave you shortly after Hailey is born but its okay you will make it on your own!  You will have a horrible fight with your mother when you are almost 18 but it will be much needed (although when she says hit me don't hit her just walk away!), this fight will bring you closer and teach both of you that you need to get out and be on your own.  Once your on your own you will get back with Josh at the begging of his friends... don't agree to marry him but stay at least until your son is born (2003). He's a pretty kick ass kid ;).  Maybe this will help and you won't loose your kids because he decides he doesn't want you to leave him. If you do still loose custody of your kids, it will hurt horribly but you will stay strong! Your kids will still love you and you will get them back eventually!  

     

     Allow your friends (mainly Jon and Tommy) to help you through the hard times, they will really have your back and you will make amazing memories. If you don't listen to me about anything else in this letter please just listen to one thing!  Please promise me that you will take the keys away from Jon on October 25, 2007!  Make sure when he tells you he loves you that night that you say it back instead of saying yeah I know just in case he takes someone else's car!   

     Cherish every moment you have with your loved ones, life is too short! Live your life for you kids, don't let anyone tell you that you are a bad person or a bad mom cause you are not.  Your kids are happy, healthy, smart, loving and have great manners, all thanks to you (not their father or even your mother!) Eventually you will meet a really great guy who will take care of you and your kids, you'll even have another little boy!! Live your life like there is no tomorrow, love with all your heart and no fear of having your heart get broken! 

                                                Love and older and wiser you!