Things I could do to improve myself.

I have always had an issue with my self esteem so obviously I want to improve a lot in this area...  I have always felt that I was over- weight (even when I was younger and not technically over-weight) and that I was not as pretty as other girls.  While my husband tells me daily that I am beautiful I do not feel that I am.  I have gained a lot of weight over the years and wish to loose it.  I don't wish to be skinny but I do want to be healthier.  I want to be able to run and play with my kids without getting winded.  I would love to run in a charity obstacle race like the dirty girl run or the warrior run.  I really hope some day that I am able to.  I want to eat healthy and set a good healthy example for my children. 

I want to be able to improve my mental health.  In 2004 I was diagnosed with bipolar and was placed on medicine to control my mood swings for about 2 years.  When I left my ex-husband I was able to control things (my emotions, reactions, etc) better and wanted to try to live life without the medicine (which made me like a zombie).  I can proudly say even with my ex-husbands ridiculous behavior with/towards myself and our children I have been able to live without medicine since early 2007.  While I do have some manic issues occasionally I have done very well.  I want to learn some more techniques in how to control these few manic outburst that remain.  

I have always been a caring and giving person but I always feel like there is more that I could do.  I do not have money to donate but I do have time and skills I could give.  I plan to improve this and I want to include my entire family.  I want to take my kids to volunteer at a soup kitchen or to help in some sort of charity event.  My older children Hailey and Josh have been involved with the make a wish foundation with Dickey school but it is part of a competition (the person who donates the most gets to be conductor of their polar express), I want them to know what it feels like to donate without getting anything but the amazing feeling of helping someone in return.  I want to make the world a better place for the future generation!  

There are many things I would like to change about myself I just have to find the will power and get off my but to do it.  I want to start dieting and exercising soon.  I NEED to get healthy, please wish me luck!   

A letter to those I love:

To my loved ones:

Hailey, Joshua, Dj and Kacelynn,

I want you to know how much I love each and every one of you!  I am so proud of the people you are evolving into each and everyday.   I want you to know that I will always be on your side no matter what.  I will always fight for you and what is best for you.  I want you all to follow your dreams and reach for the stars.  No dream is too big.  There is no such thing as failure as long as you do your best and work hard.  Life is what you make it.  

Love, <3
Mommy
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Donald,

Thank you so much for being such an amazing husband and father.  You have been there for my kids and loved them like they were your own from the start and I am grateful to have found a man like you.  You work very hard to ensure that we always have everything we need and want without complaining or questioning what it is for. We often forget to show you just how much we appreciate you and love you.  Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to attend school and better myself and for letting me stay at home with Dj while he is young.  I hope someday to have a good job and be able to "spoil" you a little bit.  I can't wait to grow old with you and to experience all the things we have talked about doing.           

I LOVE YOU!
Elaine
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Mom and Dad,

Thank you for always being there for me and family.  I know we don't say it often enough but I love you and I am very thankful for everything you do!  I hope that I have made you proud.  

Much love,
Elaine

Letter to my younger self

Elaine,

     My dear younger self I am writing you to try to help you to better understand what will happen in your life.  While you are in the 6th grade you will lose one of the greatest women in your life, Gram Bev.  You will grieve for a very long time but know that she is no longer in pain.  Do as she would want and keep up your grades, your teacher will be very understanding and helpful & you will attempt to take advantage of the situation making yourself feel horrible.   

     At 16 you will get pregnant but don't be hasty to change all that, your daughter is amazing and is such a great addition to you.  She makes you better. Josh will leave you shortly after Hailey is born but its okay you will make it on your own!  You will have a horrible fight with your mother when you are almost 18 but it will be much needed (although when she says hit me don't hit her just walk away!), this fight will bring you closer and teach both of you that you need to get out and be on your own.  Once your on your own you will get back with Josh at the begging of his friends... don't agree to marry him but stay at least until your son is born (2003). He's a pretty kick ass kid ;).  Maybe this will help and you won't loose your kids because he decides he doesn't want you to leave him. If you do still loose custody of your kids, it will hurt horribly but you will stay strong! Your kids will still love you and you will get them back eventually!  

     

     Allow your friends (mainly Jon and Tommy) to help you through the hard times, they will really have your back and you will make amazing memories. If you don't listen to me about anything else in this letter please just listen to one thing!  Please promise me that you will take the keys away from Jon on October 25, 2007!  Make sure when he tells you he loves you that night that you say it back instead of saying yeah I know just in case he takes someone else's car!   

     Cherish every moment you have with your loved ones, life is too short! Live your life for you kids, don't let anyone tell you that you are a bad person or a bad mom cause you are not.  Your kids are happy, healthy, smart, loving and have great manners, all thanks to you (not their father or even your mother!) Eventually you will meet a really great guy who will take care of you and your kids, you'll even have another little boy!! Live your life like there is no tomorrow, love with all your heart and no fear of having your heart get broken! 

                                                Love and older and wiser you!