The loss of a loved one:

The end of your suffering and pain…

Today our family lost a mother, grandmother, great grandmother and all around amazing woman.  Today heaven has gained another amazing angel.  Today I am filled with regret that my children and I were not able to have more of a relationship with you.  Through nothing but stupidity and inconvenient schedules my children have only ever met their great grandmother twice for short periods of time.  You were only a mere 90 minutes away, why could we not find the time to come visit? How did we let this opportunity slip away?  Why did I not insist that Donald come and visit you with or without me and the kids?  I know that your passing means you are no longer in pain but I cannot help but hurt for your family, I am grateful god gave you some final time with them before calling you home.   I am hopeful that god will watch over all of your family and friends as they make the journey to say their goodbyes and that god will help them to heal from the wounds your death has caused.  I hope that you are free of pain and that you are at peace, your smiling face looking down on us all from the pearly gates.  I hope you know just how much you were loved even if scheduling wouldn’t accommodate for family members to visit.  Fly high and rest in peace. 

Virginia Brown

July 19, 1931- January 23, 2017

Year in Review...

This year has been a very tough year emotionally, a lot has changed, some more positive then others.   Hailey had a lot of health issues last year and was still recovering from her gallbladder removal.  She had some issues at her dads house and it was decided she would stay with me for awhile.  A few weeks later my ex decided that maybe I should keep her full time and our son, Josh would live with him full time and he would come visit off and on.  I was hesitant as I hated going a week at a time without him let alone not knowing when I would see him but it was his choice and I didn't want him to resent me.  This was in April, since then I have seen him about 7 times.  I have been put on depression medicine because I feel like I have failed as a mother... Why? Why would he not want to be with us? What did I do wrong?  Even now 8 months later I do not understand it.  I cry often and think of him daily.  

Another big change came in May when we got my step daughter full time.  It has been an adjustment but now everything flows and we miss her when she goes to visit.  I have always loved having her around and love her like she is my own but there has been a financial burden on our family since the courts won't drop my husbands child support even though we have custody (that a whole other topic in its own!).  So her mother gets 85 weekly plus food stamps for her but sends us nothing.  We supply everything for her so he is paying twice for everything she needs or wants and half the time (not that we can prove it) I'm sure the money isn't even spent on her.  The money situation has caused a lot of stress and arguments but hopefully things will change soon.  

We also added a new member to our family, miss Hailey got a puppy.  A black lab named Lilac, born March 23, 2016.  She was very lovable as a young puppy now that she is older she is a terror.  She chews on everything!  We are all at our wits end with this habit and looking for new techniques to try!    

We had a great summer with lots of fun activities (camping, Kayaking, swimming, fishing) and was upset when it came to an end.  The end of summer meant school time, my baby boy started Kindergarten.  As you can guess I was an emotional wreck.  I was dying being a home all alone bored and depressed and so the hunt began.  I wanted a job! A flexible job that would still allow me to be the primary care giver of the kids.  I was VERY lucky to land a substitute support job in the school district that my kids attend.  I am able to turn down work if I need to and I can work as little or as much as I want to.  It has been amazing.  I am able to help bring some money into the house hold to help out, I am able to get out of my house and I sometimes get to see my kids or kids I know.  I really enjoy working again after 5 years it is a much needed change lol.  

So I guess we can say that 2016 ended in a very positive way but I still miss my bubby boy, I don't think that pain will ever go away.